Wow. It has been a long time since I've really written anything here. I have to admit that winter sometimes gets the best of me. I love winter and truly wouldn't want to do without it. But it seems like every year between January and February I hit a major funk, and it gets ugly! I lose perspective, become somewhat reclusive, and generally can't see the forest through the trees. I know this happens and can see it coming....I just haven't yet figured out how to completely head it off at the pass. I'm sure it's a combination of things....lack of sunshine, less physical activity, etc. Whatever it is, it's powerful. In the midst of this funk, God is still speaking. Sometimes it's in the funk that He speaks the loudest (or maybe it's that my self-assurance is worn away and I'm more aware of my need for Him). Anyway, he's been speaking....mostly things I already know but lose sight of....things like...
....I don't have to do it all. It's okay to admit that I can't do it all. I have limits. And yes, I know that with God ALL things are possible - it's true! I also know that it's very easy to believe that with MYSELF all things are possible, and the point of despair at which I remember that's just not true. There is a whole lot of grace in finding yourself empty. And it's okay.
...I have a husband who loves me for who I am. He loves our kids. He is faithful to our family. He makes mistakes. He does not strive to be like James Dobson or Dennis Rainey. He never will. He sometimes exasperates the kids and always makes one of them cry when they wrestle. He has the discernment to take true admonition to heart...but quietly ignore a discouraging word. He forgives quickly. We have to ask each other for forgiveness a lot. We can be real jerks to each other sometimes - just bein' honest! But he usually has a heart of forgiveness before I even ask. I wish I could say I always forgive so freely! You've seen commercials of women being swept off their feet by diamonds and new cars wrapped in big bows.....but what takes my breath away is discovering that all through my emotions and pendulum swings over the future or decisions for our family or expectations, he has been quietly trusting God - unwavering - and patiently waiting for me to do the same. There really are no words...
...I don't have to know what's going to happen. I'd like to. I'd really really like to. Next month, next year.....in five years....twenty years. How will it all work out, I wonder. Much of it is a search for purpose, I think. Some of it is the need to feel in control. But whatever the antsy-ness is, it causes me to rush through today and miss a whole lot...to forget that there is a very big purpose to the very small things I do everyday. I know I'm not the only one out there who needs this reminder now and then.
So those are a few things. No major discoveries here...just reminders of the truth to straighten me up! Sorry to re-enter the blog world with such heaviness, but it's just how it is. I read a blog just today about the verse in Lamentations...His mercies are new every morning...Great is His faithfulness. Even when we are faithless? Yep.
So enough of that. To lighten things up, let me share a few things from the "everyday" at our house:
-Peter asks everyone numerous times a day what their favorite team is in the NFC East, the AFC South, the NFC North, the AFC West...and if you're not sure, he'll list them for you and give you time to decide. It's beginning to wear a little thin on everyone.
-Now that Janie has a haircut that she actually has to dry and style, we are sharing "products" and "tools". So we're having to figure out who gets the flat-iron when I leave for Hearts at Home this weekend! We flipped a coin, and I lost. We might have to do best two out of three!
-There is a YouTube video out there of a group of Yeshiva University students who did a remake of Taio Cruz's "Dynamite"...only it's about Hannukah. My kids listen to it all the time. It's super-catchy. I can't stop singing it. "I throw my latkes in the air sometimes...sayin' Hey-O..spin the dreidl!...I want to celebrate for all eight nights...sayin' Hey-O...light the candles!"
-Our little foster daughter (8 months old) has somehow been nicknamed "The Gulford". The Gulford, during our school time while I'm reading out loud to the kids, has developed the habit of making all kinds of vocal sounds while I'm reading....and stopping as soon as I stop. And starting as soon as I start. And stopping right when I stop. Etc., etc. It's really funny, but also very hard to get that history lesson across!
Good night for now.....tomorrow is a brand new day.